Dear Judah,

If I had it my way, I would be sitting in a hospital bed, counting your perfect fingers and toes, marveling at your sweet face, comparing you to your siblings.

If I had it my way, I would not have experienced the overwhelming grief over losing you. A grief that took over my being and would not stop tormenting me.

If I had it my way, I would have been able to replace you with another baby. Immediately. Instead, I wonder why, why God has closed my womb, and why God chose to take you away before I could meet you. I had waited so long for you, and then you were gone.

I won't understand God's plan until we are reunited one day, and I can see the tapestry clearly.

This has without a doubt been one of the hardest years I've faced, losing you. Every day it seemed I learned of another friend or acquaintance expecting a baby. Salt in the wound repeatedly... why did there have to be a baby boom this year? Blessings abound for others, while it seemed all I faced was loss. Two old friends gave birth to babies this very week. I should be posting your picture online, celebrating and rejoicing as they are.

The blessings have come, though. God did not leave me without a life preserver. Two friends who have walked the path of infertility and loss. I was not completely alone in my grief, knowing they understood. They understood how insensitive words spoken by well meaning (and often clueless) people could sting for days. How one could be so devastated at a "miscarriage" when the house is already full of children.

God has renewed my purpose, my hope, and reminded me that I am blessed with 5 incredible children, a faithful, strong husband, and loyal friends. God gave me the horses, when I was felt all hope was gone for joy in my life. This in no way negates how much I miss you, but it gives me reason to be thankful and rejoice in God's graciousness to me.

It has been a 9 month journey, starting with the joy of you, and ending, now, knowing you should be here, but instead wait for me in Glory. I have peace. Granted, things haven't happened the way I wanted, and seeing other people enjoy their sweet babies makes my heart ache. However, there will be a day that the broken will be restored, the dead brought to life, and our perfection will be made complete through the One who loves us most. I look forward to that day.

I love you, Judah.

~ Mama