Daniel Plays Soccer

A bit distracted with a needy baby, I meant to post this at the same time I posted about Kristin playing soccer. 

Daniel also played his first season of soccer on the DT Kangaroos! Coach Daddy was wonderful as always, and Daniel has proved himself to be quick on his feet... no surprise there. :-)

I think Coach Daddy will have plenty of teams to coach in his future. Both Daniel and Kristin want to keep playing soccer!

365

For 12 months now I have dreaded reaching the one year anniversary of losing Joel. Even more, I have dreaded Mother's Day.

But, why is a year so significant? I'm not really sure... maybe just our need to make a day significant as it relates to the earth orbiting the sun.

I suppose the anticipation of these days is far more difficult than the actual days themselves. Because really, any day I ponder too long the events of a year ago, any time I weep over losing my son, it hurts. Deeply.

So, these two hard days have come and passed. The weather was beautiful on both days, I was surrounded by those I love, and my arms were full of the life of a boy who needs me. While that does not fully redeem Joel's death, it certainly helps me feel purpose and hope in my life. As I have learned this year, a life without hope is a sad and empty life indeed.

Yet, this hope isn't in the life of Baby C or Baby Boy. They ease the emptiness of my arms, but they do not give me anything eternal. My hope is not in more children... or even the ones I already have. If my security and value come from my children, or my husband, or my friends, house, life, etc. I will be dismally let down and disappointed.

My hope is in the One who can and WILL redeem Joel's short life. The One who spoke us into being. The One who loves me like no other, and who does not leave me even when I shake my fist and tell him how very angry I am.

Joel has been spent the last 365 days with Him. In the presence of the One on whom I cast my hope. My weak mind cannot begin to fathom the splendor and glory. But my sweet boy, he has known no pain... just the majesty and love of Jesus.  The One who gives us reason to hope.

Romans 5:1-5 
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Baby Boy

Tuesday late afternoon, our social worker sent a curious email. "Have you and Noah talked about whether you wish to continue fostering?  Just checking in." 

HA. I could read between the lines... she is not one to just "check in."

Sure enough, the next morning she called. Another broken baby boy needed a safe home. Four weeks old. Such a sad shame. 

After discussing the present need and sacrifices we would have to make as a family, we all agreed that Baby Boy needed us. I picked him up from the hospital Thursday afternoon.

It is strange to start from square one, healing and trying to erase the damaging imprint left by dangerous people. Baby Boy is so very different from Baby C... learning a whole new set of needs, preferences, and circumstances.

Thankfully, DSS saw it would be beneficial to have us work with the same social worker that Baby C (and Mr. F) had, so that is helpful. 

Baby Boy is very sweet. He does not like for me to put him down. (I am researching the best way to wear him... I want to get a good wrap to keep him close). His cry is so high pitch and shrill, it hurts my heart to hear. How pitiful, no wonder I can't put him down:

Baby Boy likes his paci :-) and he is not a spitter (after having Daniel and Baby C, I forgot that not all babies spit up excessively). He has a cowlick right at the front of his hairline on his forehead. Still under 10 pounds, he is still very much a newborn, but he is starting to smile, despite his rough start in life.

Welcome to the chaos and love of the Haut House, Baby Boy.

Kristin Plays Soccer

Kristin played her first season of soccer this spring! And she had the BEST coach. :-) It was neat to see Kristin develop skills... she is a thinker when it comes to soccer. She may not be the fasted girl out there, but she thinks out her plays and that makes her a great little soccer player. The game that I took pictures of, Kristin scored an amazing 4 goals! And I think she had a lot of fun... it helps that it gave her a little extra Daddy time.

Tennis

Eight weeks of tennis lessons have come to an end. Isaac and I had so much fun learning a new sport... Isaac, of course, is a natural. More surprising, his mama isn't too terrible either :-)

Merciful

These weeks have been full of God's overflowing mercies. We miss our sweet Baby C, but have great peace that God is with him, and that we filled a great purpose in his young life. Isaac has especially had a hard time adjusting, he feels things so deeply, loves deeply, and misses his baby brother.

Those 5 months with Baby C taught each of us so much about compassion, loving complete strangers, and trusting God. I feared that if and when Baby C would leave that I would be angry and have to grieve another loss, but God has mercifully held me through this and given me a peace that can only come from Him. The prayers on my behalf from sweet friends and family have not fallen on deaf ears. And I am so grateful for those prayers.

While Baby C desperately needed us during his time here, we desperately needed healing from our losing Joel. Baby C brought our hearts healing like I could never have predicted. With his broken little body he helped me realize I could love a baby boy who was not Joel... he gave me hope, hope that my heart would not stay broken.

A few days after Baby C left, I bought a red baby swing for our tree. Noah, of course thought I was crazy. Why buy something we don't need now? For me, that swing gives me hope. Hope that we will love more babies. Hope that this is not the end of the days we will need diapers, and teething toys, and onesies, and baby swings.

In a week we will reach the one year mark of burying our son. His tree once again bears the beautiful heart shaped leaves. While the thought of the events of one year ago puts a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, God's goodness has not been absent this long, grief filled journey. I am wounded, but stronger. Hoping to continue in this course my God has laid before me, so that I may one day say, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Timothy 4:7).