Spewing in Progress.

It's been a day. A day of frustrations in court. A day of disappointment as I learned we have another month of waiting... another month of "what ifs." It's been a day of blessings as God spoke softly to my heart in court, my mom babysat and brought me lunch, and a dear friend so sweetly allowed me an afternoon of peace and told me my son was a joy to have over. It's been a day of weariness. Utter. Tear-filled. Weariness.

Part of me wants to run. Part of me wants to throw my hands up in defeat. Part of me says life was so much EASIER before kids. Before fostering. Before allowing my heart to to live outside my body in the form of 4 little children.

As I sit here and listen to some music on Pandora, Three Little Birds (Bob Marley) came on... oddly a fairly biblical song. The lyrics, "Don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing gonna be alright," repeats over and over. Reminds me of Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. And Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I believe those two verses are going to have to be meditated on a great deal in the next month. As my mind goes to bad places... places where my son is put in danger, ripped out of my arms forever. Wondering how I would survive such a blow, how I would scrape myself off of the floor, how I would not suffocate in grief. God is my rock, my fortress. I simply say that over and over. He loves my Little Man more than I ever could. God is bigger than all of this. HE is the judge. HE is the one in the driver's seat. Why should I worry or fear?

So, here I sit. Longing for completion. But I know once we are "done" with this particular journey, we will set ourselves on another, whatever that may be. God did not make me to sit in leisure, idling my motor. Don't get me wrong... there are moments I question which road to take. The one filled with potholes surrounded by beautiful scenery, or the freshly paved road that has nothing but concrete walls to gaze upon? I pray I never choose the concrete view.